Episode 79 - Operation Varsity Blues

Getting round two of the vaccine this week, feeling hesitant about returning to normal life, listening to more classical music recently including "classical" radio, SF Opera's streaming broadcast of "Siegfried," and Bela Bartok's string quartets, classical music not being culturally relevant, not liking the culture around most of my areas of interest, failing my first attempt at the Marksman level of the NRA Marksmanship Qualification Program, making things too hard on myself, feeling deflated when the going gets tough, getting an acceptance notification for UC Santa Cruz, the closing of Mills College in Oakland, the incredible Netflix documentary "Operation Varsity Blues: The College Admissions Scandal," watching a lot of "Jeopardy" with my girlfriend, and the existence of blue ketchup.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 78 - Wagnerite

Dodging jury duty this week, the return of Chris D'Elia's podcast, separating artists and their creative output from who they are as people, Richard Wagner's anti-Semitism, the undisputed genius of "Der Ring des Nibelungen," recounting the time I drove a homeless women across the state of Arizona, reconnecting a drug-addicted teenager with her family, forgetting most of the people from my past, being phenomenally self-absorbed, and the role of toxic masculinity in the firearms culture.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 77 - Useful Delusion

Injuring my back through exercise, getting old being no joke, the oldest member of my girlfriend's family dying, reading their life story, a video suggestion from a user, the paradox of success, hard work vs. luck, necessary but insufficient conditions for success, luck vs. strategy, times where hard work payed off for me, the useful delusion of believing you are in control of your destiny, the dated movie making in "Rocky."

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 76 - Digital Kabuki Mask

An update on Mark's COVID status, reflecting on his support through the years, surpassing 500K COVID deaths in the United States, hearing from an old friend out of the blue recently, comparing and contrasting our memories of each other, not remembering myself the way others report, my lack of self-esteem impacting both my memories and my living experience, wondering if I was cooler as a kid, feeling burned out with school, the trend toward infantilizing adults in the workplace, fawning as a response to the current culture, and feeling beholden to the person you've pretended to be on social media.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 75 - Why Not You

The launch of the video podcast on YouTube, a correction from a prospective podcast MVP, the first round of my COVID vaccine, raising my base state since exercising regularly, getting news of an old music acquaintance in the ICU with COVID, the "why me" mentality when tragedy strikes, the tendency to blame others for the fate that befalls them, Leo Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Ilyich," buying my firearm finally, feeling betwixt and between the anti-gunners and gun culture, being summoned for jury duty again, the expanded commitment vs. my previous experience, the lottery-like quality of jury selection, Chris D'Elia breaking his self-imposed silence, the recent death of Rush Limbaugh, celebrating the death of bad people, not growing up in a musical household, the value of David Goggin's self-talk vs. positivity, and a quote from George Eliot about the worship of chance.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 74 - Queen's Gambit

Qualifying for the vaccine, rural vs. urban living, hiking in Benicia, celebrating Lunar New Year in lieu of Valentine's Day, rolling a coin over your knuckles, Trump's second impeachment acquittal, finishing "The Queen's Gambit" on Netflix, being less enamored with it than others seem to be, the serious portrayal of chess, likely inspiring a generation of female chess players, watching "Movie 43" under the influence, living under the yoke of smoking cigarettes as a teenager, the potentially cool but ultimately disappointing movie "Looper," Dostoevsky's "Notes from a Dead House," faking a translation, struggling to retain information, being cooler as a kid, disappointing others as a consequence of knowing yourself better, and the value of doing what you need to do for yourself.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 73 - Good Enough

A belated episode, correcting the last episode's sound, missing the Super Bowl, connecting with old friends via Houseparty, being roped into a group text, feeling accomplished at working out again, the need for positive self-talk, sustainability and the importance of leaving something in the tank, Haruki Murakami's writing process, returning to school, having our Zoom lecture crashed, staying calm in moments of crises, gender pronouns in ASL, getting back into Russian literature, the merits of Dostoevsky's "The Double" and the depiction of mental illness, the compelling frame story of the 2004 horror film "Saw," missing weed, and Paul Thomas Anderson's adaptation of "Inherent Vice" and other tedious art.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 72 - Pandemic Pleasantries

Perdition to conspirators, something strange going in our collective experience this last week, returning to school, exiting class through the window during my first day of Latin class in middle school, past experiences at community college, learning about deaf culture in American Sign Language, my deaf teacher's experiences with hearing people throughout their life, ACAB, my girlfriend's return, getting an apology from someone for their driving, avoiding having to exchange pandemic pleasantries, someone tracing their lost phone to my backyard, the gall of someone asking me for the password to my stolen property, being motivated by shame to workout again, and the importance of positive self-talk when embarking on something new.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 71 - In & Of Itself

Continuing to fix things up around the house, fearing my landlord for no good reason, a bathroom break, getting my firearms safety certificate, still pining for a pistol, finally seeing the filmed version of Derek DelGaudio's "In & Of Itself," the devastation of seeing someone else accomplish something so great, reflecting on my own lack of creative courage, watching the window close on things I was inspired to create at one time, the cosmic work being carried with this performance, feeling like I've accomplished very little by comparison, and the crushing blow of being discouraged by others from doing something similar.

Music by Disasterpeace.

Episode 70 - Handyman

Taking an afternoon nap, Siri's shifting tone of voice, announcing the podcast MVP 2021, the synchronicity of receiving George Saunders' new book "A Swim in a Pond in the Rain," spending a week fixing things around my place, placing emotional meaning to otherwise meaningless tasks, killing a neighbor's cockroaches, a fart riddled news clip on YouTube, signs of the new normal at the grocery store, and the weaknesses of Tarantino's late films compared to his early ones.

Music by Disasterpeace.